Random thoughts on blogging + anxiety

9da14abf7dfb8b5a034aff4a982d0197Lately I have been feeling quite lost in this whole blogging thing. I am quite new to this but for what I read even more “experienced” bloggers have been going through this labyrinth and felt lost or have been not enjoying it so much as they used to, so I shouldn’t probably worry about it.

I’ve tried starting a blog many times, more than I can count honestly but I never managed to write more than 5 posts without feeling stupid. With Kia Grace though, things feels a little bit different, probably because I started this whole new journey in a difficult time of my life.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot in the past weeks, as I didn’t know if I wanted to share this thing with “the whole world”, but since I find that reading posts with which I can relate to are a massive help to me, I decided that I wanted to share my experience too.

Ok, I said I started this blog in a difficult time. There it is, I’ve been suffering from anxiety for the past eight years – what that means is that I suffer from panic attacks and I have the tendency to worry about some things more than I should. At the beginning from this year though my panic attacks were becoming more frequent and stronger as they used to, I felt I was loosing touch of who I was. Sad times. What made me feel better, as silly as it might seem to other people, was watching videos on make up or beauty in general. It might sound a little bit shallow, and I don’t blame you, but whatever works! This is how Kia Grace – former Le  Coin Heureux – started. I wanted a space for myself to share what I liked, and what made me feel better. It was, and still is, a way for me to express my creativity, as my job is not creative at all and it’s something I struggle with 5/7. Most importantly, this blog, became a place of self discovery. In the past six months I came to realise what I like, and what I dislike, I became more aware of my sense of aesthetics, and I also came to realise that I would love for me to do this as my job.

However, the world of blogging is so big that you can’t help but compare yourself to others. I follow tons of blogs, and being the perfectionist and impatient person that I am, I always found that someone had better pictures, better writing, a better personality. So I end up, working your ass off to be more than what I am right now, to become more swish and professional. Don’t get me wrong, nothing bad about it, to be fair, I find that to a certain extent feeling “competitive” helps me to improve my self and my work, however, it’s when I realised I was loosing the fun and the main purpose I started this whole journey that I thought – You know what? This is not ok! I was starting losing touch of who I am again. I tried filming a nail tutorial and my voice didn’t feel like my usual voice, and I didn’t like it. It was somewhat artificial, whereas I just usually say what comes out of my mind, without always ending up with a fancy result, but at least is real one.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I ultimately decided that blogging should be fun. It’s ok to want to improve what you don’t like, but it’s also important to remember why you started this journey. In the end, your blog is your space, is the reflection of who you are, the rules are yours. You put yourself and your thoughts out there for whoever is willing to read and be part of your journey.

If you managed to reach the end of what appears to be an essay, I salute you! Don’t worry it won’t always happen. Most of the time I am the one who makes silly sad jokes, yourself and I should try to remember that. Whenever I shall feel the need, I’ll go down the serious route again, and you can keep following me, or just go for a coffee and come back when I’ll be silly and shallow again. Your choice, I am fine with whichever!

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